Life Evaluation

So, it's been a while, but I haven't been in a blogging mood lately. It's weird. I've been evaluating myself lately, trying to understand how I work. I mean I guess that's part of life, right? Trying to understand how you work and why you do what you do. So, today, I was with people who were talking about classes I was in last fall. Oh last fall.... The worst semester of my life by far. I've never fallen so hard before, been exposed to such wonderful things and had them pulled from under me. I guess that's the way life works. Appreciate what you have while you have it. I wonder what people thought of me during that time. I was talking to one of my major design group members and he knew of me in the fall before we became friends in the winter. He evaluates people before he chooses to become friends with them, so I wonder what he thought of me.

I've been learning a lot of things from this friend about myself, life, etc. I love learning about things from other people. One thing that he has made me realize though is that I don't really go off and learn things on my own. It's true... I don't know why. I don't know how to balance my life. I haven't touched a camera in weeks. It's so sad. I guess it's sort of that there are too many things I want to learn, too many things that I don't even know whether I'm interested in them or not. So, instead, I just freeze and don't do anything. One of my friends bought me a photography book and mailed it to me in September. I just opened it. It's seriously the perfect book for me. I want to read it. Other people make time for these things. I don't know what I do during the day. I don't get it. I mean I guess I would say that I do too much. My life is consumed with activities, stopping me from exploring. But where would I start anyway? I'm an over-analyzer who always ends up spontaneously choosing something when given the option.

Another thing I've learned about myself is that I get bored easily with people. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just haven't kept the same set of friends all throughout college. Not that I'm not still friends with them. I just mean the group I actively hang out with. It's seems like I jump to a new group every year. This doesn't mean I didn't like the old one. I just actively need change in my life. I mean I guess that's why I came to Michigan. That is why I've moved around so much since I've been here, why I love airports (different people coming from different places, different backgrounds), why I discovered traveling and I never want to stop. I almost feel like I could never happily stay in one location for a very long time anymore. I need new. I need different. I feel like if things aren't changing, then I'm getting comfortable. Right now, I feel like I'm getting comfortable. I need to fix that. Rewind.

Two days ago, I had to do a presentation about anything in my Techcomm class. After a little help from a friend, the topic I chose was film history. Wow, doing research into it brought me back, it was like a beautiful light. I miss film. I've never had something light up my day the way film does. Honestly, it's not that I don't like computer engineering. I love it. It's so cool, but so is film. And my happiest semesters have been those where I've had a balance with both of them. I was so on top of my game in my engineering classes after writing that presentation. It was just the motivation I needed and all I did was research into things I already knew. Gah, I can't wait until I start taking film classes next semester. It might be tough, a production course with EECS 373, but it's going to be awesome!

Time for work. Senior design has taken over my life and yet, I feel like I've been doing nothing for it. Grr... I really need to get a timestopper.

Family

Family - a concept that until last year was honestly foreign to me. People grow up seeing their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins etc all the time. I guess I never really had that. I had pseudo families and I had my mother, but that was never really the same. I guess what brought me to this thought is the fact that I just got back from Iran a few days ago, where I spent time with my family. It's funny cause like most large families, they are so many fights going on and so many problems. I feel like a complete outsider to all of it, so the whole thing generally just makes me laugh. I know what makes me happy makes everyone else frustrated- It sounds a bit weird. But, I guess even through all the frustration and problems, none of them realize how lucky they are to even be having these issues. Last Thursday night, I was laying in my room frustrated that I hadn't had one ounce of privacy where I could think to myself for 2 seconds being in a relatively small apartment with 7 other people. Then, I just started smiling because I realized that I had never experienced this problem before. My aunt was telling me that the thing with family is that you can't choose who they are like you can choose your friends, but I don't completely see the problem with that. My aunt and I sometimes just sit down and laugh about all the quirky things we have in common. We both do this thing where we shake one of our feet before we fall asleep and when we wake up. I guess we both got it from my grandfather who used to do that all the time. I could never have had that conversation with anyone else. We spend all our time trying to find friends who understand us, who have been through the same things as us, and I guess I've realized that the easiest place to look for that is from our own families. Basically, all I'm trying to say is that I've realized how amazing it is to have a family. =)

A New Beginning.

To be honest, in the last year, life hasn't been the greatest. Since I got back from my world travels last summer, nothing has really felt right, and pretty much everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. But, through it, I think I have become a better person. I've spent the last few months trying to remember who I was when I first came to college. I know it seems ridiculous, but apparently, it wasn't as easy to remember as it should have been. It's taken a lot of time, but I think I've finally started becoming the person I once was/ the person I want to be. I finally feel happy, and I'm remembering how much I love life. So, this blog represents the start of something new- me as myself - for all the things that I am.